Scars Go Deep

Vulnerability is one of the hardest places for people to go within themselves.  It means that you have to admit when you have been wrong.  It means you have to show your scars and your wounds.  Being vulnerable means allowing yourself to be seen for exactly who you are.  Just as Brene Brown discusses, you cannot make deep, meaningful, connections without being vulnerable, and usually that means showing people your weak spots.  We all struggle with being vulnerable because we have learned, over time, to build walls.  We have been taught, either directly or through society, that emotions are meant to be hidden, and that you cannot show any weakness.  I think that is the issue.  People associate weakness with vulnerability.  But in my experience, it is the strongest people who allow themselves to be vulnerable, because they know even after allowing someone to see them for exactly who they are that they can continue on living and succeeding.  Weakness, in my opinion, is when someone is too afraid to be vulnerable.  Vulnerability can be difficult.  It can make people defensive and, depending on the person, even depressed.  Sometimes people don't actually deal with these vulnerable spots.  But on the other end, vulnerability can allow people to overcome their greatest fears.  It can allow people grow and realize their full potential.  But most importantly, it is the absolute key catalyst in creating the most deep and meaningful relationships.  The people I feel closest too are the people who have held me while I've cried, listened to my fears, and shown me their true selves as well.  Most people are like Brene Brown, instead of embracing vulnerability they push away from it.  But the world would ultimately be a better, happier place if we all just leaned into the vulnerability a little bit more.

Feels and ish

I think it is difficult to sit down and really state explicitly what my values are, there are definitely somethings that can be said but to me these feelings are mostly innate.  I value time, time with my friends/families, time with myself, time is so precious and we so rarely think of it.  I ask for honesty at all times about all things because I will do my best to always be honest about my thoughts and feelings.  I look for selflessness because I think that the world is already to selfish.  I look for trust in all aspects because there is a lack of trustworthy people to me.  I value a sense of what is right and what is wrong and where to draw the line.  I look for these, and many more traits, in my friends because, to me, these make the best and most meaningful relationships.  And I live these, to the best of my ability, everyday, even to a fault.  I am always honest about how I am feeling, and many times it has forced people out because I am too emotional.  I have made many enemies and conflicts because I stand firmly to what I believe is right or wrong.  I have heard many heart-breaking secrets because my friends find me trustworthy.  I hate saying these things because, well, frankly that's just how I operate.  And the biggest struggle I find is not being true to my value but being true to myself.  I struggle to trust in my relationships, especially the people I call my best friends.  It has a lot to do with past experience but also because I try to give 150% and that can be a lot to people.  And sometimes it hurts when it isn't returned, and it makes me feel like people don't care about me.  But everyone is different and I have to trust in myself first to trust in these people.

Make Space

I think that somewhere along the way being introverted became negative.  It's not exactly clear when this happened but it is exactly why there is such an emphasis on being extroverted.  I think there are a couple reasons why introverts are encouraged so strongly to be extroverts.  I know from personal group experience that people sometimes think that introverted individuals don't do any work because they are quieter.  I also think that people feel uncomfortable when they don't know what someone else is thinking and feeling.  Introverted people by definition deal with everything internally and extroverted people are "sketched" out when they don't know what is going on.  I think that introverted people bring stability to a group, simply by the nature of their being.  Because they are not always a part of the mayhem of a group they bring a sense of peace and balance.  I also think introverted people tend to create more well-thought out ideas, though they aren't necessarily given the space to express them.  I think if there aren't any introverted people the group can lose focus, as well as turn into more of a battle than a project, as each extrovert vies for the space to talk or give their idea.  It is interesting that this should be the blog topic because I have been doing a lot of reflection about this recently.  I very much identify with both introverts and extroverts and usually fall into the ambivert category on any sort of quiz.  But I find it difficult to leave space for people to talk in a group forum because the silence in that situation makes me uncomfortable.  But this exact discussion took place in one of my student orgs and we had members that identified more as introverts and they weren't feeling like they had been given the space they needed in our group.  Because of this they considered leaving the organization, and whenever someone is feeling suppressed like this is hinders the growth of the group as a whole.  Because these people weren't feeling "right" we never had their full involvement and we struggled to hold together.  This Ted Talk has probably been one of my favorites and I think it is something we all, especially myself, need to be more aware of.

The Demons Inside

How do you even begin to talk about Dead Poets Society.  This is one of the movies that I love but I rarely watch because it resonates with me on such a deep level.  We all experience the various feeling of these characters.  Every person has a at least a bit of Todd in them, the quiet reserved nature that blossoms into the most beautiful of flowers.  Or maybe the hopeless romantic nature of Knox.  Or maybe you connect to Neil as the out-going group leader harboring your own private demons that you just can't seem to put to rest.  This movie is simultaneously heart-wrenching and beautiful.  Mr. Keating has inspired a group of young men so much that they stand beside him even when they face dire consequences.  Integrity is doing what is right, even when what is right is the most difficult decision, and Mr. Keating's students showed their true colors to the fullest.  I find it difficult to elaborate much further without confronting my own demons that are brought about by this story and so I leave it all with one of the best quotes there is...

Oh Captain, My Captain

the Unknown

The past couple of blogs have been really easy to respond to, and though they were thought provoking they didn't take me too long to think of what it is that I wanted to say.  However, I struggle on this particular occasion to articulate exactly how I feel after this video, largely in part, possibly, to my own ignorance of the idea of a single story.  I think that to me it means a stereotype, a single story of someone that creates an image of a group of people as a whole.  I think that I see the idea of a single story carried out everywhere, and not usually in a positive way.  The looks I get when I say I am in a fraternity, or the thoughts people have when I say I'm a Dance major.  Even watching people react to other individuals on the streets, or in class.  The single story plays out in every aspect, however unfortunate it is.

I think one of the most interesting examples of a single story I have is the relationship I have formed with one of my best friends.  When we first met he was introduced to me as a member of the executive board for my fraternity, a all-boys high school graduate, and a bio-medical engineer.  I was new to being in a fraternity but when I first met this guy I thought he was going to be the biggest douche (for lack of a better word).  And our initial interactions were via email, and my early suspicions were seemingly coming true, mind you that electronic communication is a realm all its own.  However, when we actually met he was one of the most genuine individuals I had ever met, even if I was still really insecure and thought he hated me.  And now, almost two years later he is one of the best friends I will ever have and I thank god that my single-story was wrong.

Wearing The White Hat

Scripted television makes it easy to play a great character, be it a murderer, or a detective, or a professional fixer.  But those characters aren't necessarily always leaders.  For those of you who have never watched Scandal before, I am sorry for your loss (just kidding).  Olivia Pope, played by Kerry Washington, is Washington D.C.'s professional fixer, meaning when big time politicians have big time problems she makes them go away no matter what.  Olivia, by shear title, is a leader of Olivia Pope & Associates but she does so much more that takes her to another level.  She is fiercely loyal to her followers, whether it's a client or one of her "fixed" associates, she would die before she let anything bad happen to any of them.  Passion is a natural part of her being.  She worked as the campaign manager for the President and is never ending in her drive to solve her particular problem at hand.  She is charismatic to the point of convincing the sky it may not actually be blue.  These qualities being said, she also has parts where she lacks, just like every leader does.  She doesn't always listen to those around her, and she isn't always very great with communication.  But what makes her, to me, more of a real leader than an ideal one is the fact that she is a real person.  She solves crises on a daily basis, but her personal life is in constant turmoil.  She walks around with a strong face and acts like nothing is wrong, which is maybe why I identify so closely with her.  Even her character can be a leader to the real world.  She is a symbol of powerful woman, and even more, powerful black woman.  Her character is empowering people outside the screen. Regardless of television or not, Olivia Pope is a real, not necessarily ideal, leader.

The Man Behind The Hair

Who am I?  The most basic of all questions to ask someone, yet the hardest one to answer.   I can tell you the bare minimum and perhaps allow you to create your own conclusion.  My name is Ryan Timothy Shaw; I was born on the 15^th of October 1993.  I am a Dance major at the Ohio State University, where I am a member of the Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity.  I could stop there and let you make the assumptions everyone makes based on that information.  I don’t really know a good way to say who I am.  I am an only child, but I try not to “act like one.”  I sat at the “big kids” table before I reached double digits, and because of it my mom will tell you I didn’t really have a childhood.  I spent summers going to camps and, oddly, became really good at knife throwing, archery, and “making friends.”  I haven’t had a babysitter since the third grade.  I started playing soccer as soon as my dad could find cleats small enough to fit my feet.  Even though people don’t believe me, I have played all the major sports you can think of.  I spent grades 5 through 8 trying to prove myself to a group of friends that would eventually turn their backs on me.  I spent freshman year playing soccer, getting drunk, being bullied, learning to dance, and still trying to prove myself to this same group of people.  I spent sophomore year playing soccer, getting drunk, and being lonely because that group of friends decided over night they didn’t want to be associated with “someone like me” and left me for dead.  I told my parents that I no longer wanted to play soccer and spent junior year dancing, rebuilding, accepting, and mentoring.  I spent senior year dreaming of no longer being in senior year, missing 30 days of school, dancing, and doing whatever I wanted for the first time in my life.  And now?  Well, now I wear whatever clothes I want to prove to people that you can.  I like fashion and I’m straight, just to break the stereotype.  I joined more student organizations than you’re supposed to and took a maximum course load just to prove that it can be done.  I would drop everything in the entire world for My People because I don’t what I would do without them in my life.  I over share my emotions because I would rather tell My People how much I care about them everyday than never tell them at all.  If anyone is reading this you probably think I am over dramatic and possibly depressed.  But the truth is I try to be as happy as possible everyday.  I am one of the most emotional people in the world.  I dance because my body physically can’t stop itself when the music comes on.  I love doing any kind of physical activity, playing sports, working out, dancing or really anything physical.  I love seeing my friends smile because I like knowing they’re happy.  I am a super nerd for anything Harry Potter, Teen Wolf, or Lord of the Rings.  I cried for multiple hours straight after reading/watching the Fault in Our Stars because it is one of the most beautiful books I have ever read.  I dance like nobodies watching.  I dream of kissing a girl in the rain.  I am a mix of scars and emotions and crazy and love and clichés and people all rolled into one crazy, loud, emotional, tall, lanky package.